


A little faith

by larabeckinsale



Category: The Dresden Files - Jim Butcher
Genre: Angst, F/M, Feels, Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-09
Updated: 2021-01-09
Packaged: 2021-03-13 03:41:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28646955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/larabeckinsale/pseuds/larabeckinsale
Summary: Harry Dresden's wedding day. Set after the events of Battle Ground.
Relationships: Harry Dresden/Karrin Murphy
Comments: 10
Kudos: 15





	A little faith

**Author's Note:**

> This is an idea that have refused to die, so I had to write it down.  
> Don't read if you haven't made it to Battle Ground.  
> There is angst ahead.  
> It get's better though, I promise.  
> No beta, so you might find an error here and there, I just wanted to post this already, LOL.

It was a beautiful summer morning when I left Maggie at the Carpenters with a tight hug and a promise to come pick her up in a week. I nodded to Michael as a way of goodbye. There wasn't much to say today. We had already exhausted the topic. I could see the pity in his eyes.

I scratched Mouse behind the ears and went back to the car. I had a wedding to attend to.

A wedding isn't just a ceremony. There's power in it. It's a pledging of one to another, a blending of energies. It is an old ritual of high magic.

And I was going to participate in one today; my own.

I arrived at the venue, parked the car, went inside to get ready. As I moved through the place, I saw lovely flowers, staff getting busy with last minute preparations. Everything seemed to be marching just on time and looking just perfect. I guess couples in love would dream of something this lovely. I thought it was a waste.

I got to my designated room, donned the expensive tuxedo that I was supposed to wear.

Hells bells, it was my wedding day.

My bride was beautiful, sexy, smart, wicked. With that description in mind, any man should feel so lucky. I didn't and I wasn't.

I was getting married to a freaking vampire queen. As part of my job. I wondered if that made me a gigolo. Heh, funny word.

_I stood still for a second observing my work in the mirror. I fumbled with the cufflinks._

Wasn't marriage one of those big decisions in a man's life? Deciding to share your life with someone, to commit deeply, making vows and promises, it's supposed to matter. You're giving your word, after all.

As a wizard, promises could have real consequences. Most of my adult life I've been very aware of it. Giving my word to someone always mattered to me because of that. And because it was My word. Words have power.

But somebody else had made this arrangement for me, and after what happened last year... I just hadn't had the heart to fight it. I was angry, very, very angry at first. But then, the sadness took over. All that empty space.

For most of humanity’s history, arranged marriages had been standard practice. Marriage of a couple to symbolizing the actions of a state. White Court and Winter in this case. It was what the boss wanted, so it needed to be done, and I was the tool to use for it.

And I was just so tired. I hurt so much.

_Ok, bowtie next._

But call me a romantic, I like the idea of marriage being about companionship, friendship, commitment, loyalty, love. Not just desire, not convenience, not just a transaction.

And in this case in particular, a very scary transaction at that.

I feel like I've been losing pieces of my soul in small steps in the last few years, what if this took the last pieces of it?

God, if it wasn't for Maggie, I wouldn't have much left probably. Last summer took so much of it from me. I think maybe I convinced myself that this was acceptable, to just go on with it, so that I could then go back to focus just on Maggie. But it was a dangerous game, I knew it. And to be honest, I hadn't figured out exactly how to play it just yet.

Mr. and Mrs. Dresden, Lara and Harry Dresden. It just sounds wrong.

_I looked in the mirror again. Nope. The bowtie was wrong. I undid the thing and started again._

I let myself wish for a second that things were different and tried to imagine an easier scenario, one where my bride wasn't an apex predator.

And my mind took me immediately to the source of that aching emptiness in my heart shaped like the woman that often visited my dreams, even now, almost a year later.

We had been just starting out when a stupid, cowardly man and a bullet cut it all short. Would we have reached this point and make this decision for ourselves? I'd never know. But sometimes I like to think that maybe seeing her walking down an aisle towards me wouldn't be a bad sight at all.

I never knew if she believed in marriage still after how her previous ones turned out for her, it hadn't come up in order to ask her. But more than once, as I got dragged into the preparations for today, I have to admit I did wonder, had I had asked her, would she have considered it? Third time being the charm and all that. And then I'd get a cruel reminder that I would never get the chance to ask. It felt unfair.

Sometimes I didn't know what was worst, knowing that she was taken from me, so swiftly, and not having been able to do anything about it; or knowing that she was out there, I just couldn't reach her anymore.

I've been told I shouldn't worry, that she's fine. And being honest, I know she's earned rest. But call me selfish, I missed her. I missed her the moment she was gone.

I missed her company, her humor, her advice, the strength and warmth of her hand in mine.

I dreamed about her. It was always bittersweet. My mind would provide me with a perfect reproduction of her voice, her body, even her scent.

Sometimes the dreams were more like nightmares, a pool of blood on asphalt, my hands covered in red, her eyes, empty. Those times I'd wake up and weep.

Sometimes the dreams were all about her smile and her bright blue eyes, a replay of memories of those few months we spent together, actually together. Me, trying to dote on her as much as she'd allowed it; she, a reassuring presence in my life, along with my daughter, that reminded me that I could still be human.

I loved her. So much. For longer than I had realized.

_God, how did I manage to screw up the bowtie again? I tried a second time._

What would she have thought of this charade of a wedding, of me going along with it?

For starters she'd probably know how to do this damned tie. And she'd help me with it. She was always helping me. After the events last summer, I had a lot of time to think, weather I wanted or not. And I became aware that maybe I had been so selfish, so arrogant. I always took so much from her, I always cost her too much. I don't think I ever made it up to her. Did I ever make it worth her while?

Maybe she'd just laugh at the ridiculousness of the whole thing. And then take my hand in her tiny ones, and tell me to get myself together, that we'd figure something out. And we would. We always did.

_I smiled faintly to myself._

She'd help me plan my escape. Yeah, that's what she'd do.

"Not until the memory of her has faded from those who knew her..." I repeated to myself. What Gard said, was is really true?

If one day I could manage to forget her, and didn't get myself killed for a while, then maybe she'd be back, and maybe I could see her again. But then, wouldn't that mean that I wouldn't know her anymore? How would that even work?

Would I fall for her again?

I had to admit that one desperately sad and weary night I thought about it. About casting the spell that would make me forget; or make everyone forget.

But I knew it would have been wrong. What she did, what she was, her strength, her courage, her value, was worth remembering.

And as much as it hurt, I hadn't been ready to let her memory go.

I needed her memory; the memory of her smile, of her hands in mine, of her strength, of her encouraging words, of all those times she reminded me to have faith, because things would work out eventually.

I hoped she knew how much comfort she always gave me.

Damn it. What was I doing?

Giving up. Exactly what she wouldn't have wanted. Exactly what my daughter didn't need from me.

I was tired, and hurt and sad, yes. And sometimes I was downright hopeless. I was giving up. But damn it, would I really go on with a marriage that, even though was supposed to be an alliance and an asset, would probably mean another risk that might cost me whatever humanity I had left?

I was Harry Blackstone Copperfield Dresden. I defeated monsters. I protected cities. Would I really go down without a fight?

No.

And something set in me in that moment. If they wanted me, they'd have to drag me, kicking and screaming. I wouldn't be a toy in anyone's game. I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't play by their rules.

Murphy wouldn't recognize me if I did.

Because maybe someday I would get to see her again. And I would want to be able to look her in the eyes, without feeling ashamed or sorry.

_Finally, I had the bowtie right. And I took it off. And the stupid jacket._

I came out of the room and bumped into Molly. She looked very elegant in a beautiful dress, all made in Winter colors.

"Harry?" She asked with a bit of caution.

Something in my eyes must have betrayed me, because her eyes got big for a second, "Oh... Harry, you can't..."

"That's right Molls, I can't... I can't do this. And I won't. It's just not right. I can't stand there and promise someone things that I can't give, that I don't want to give... And that should be just mine to give... She doesn't get to do this to me."

"This is going to be bad, Harry." She replied, a warning in her voice.

"Stop me then... And make it count. But it'll make things very dramatic." I said defiantly.

"That'd be very you." She said with amusement.

"I'm sorry, Molls. But it's not gonna happen. Not like this. Tell Lara I'm sorry, I'll talk to her later." She looked at me with sad eyes but didn't stop me. I moved past her towards the exit.

I didn't know why she didn't act, she could, she was the Winter Lady, she could have commanded me to stay. But she didn't, maybe like her father, it wasn't sadness in his eyes, but pity.

Because she knew I was screwed one way or another. Because I didn't really know how to get out of the deal and make it work. But damn it if I didn't try, if I let all the pain and hurt and guilt and sadness win and defeat me without giving a fight.

I owed Murph that much, be able and ready to defend my life, my freedom. Defending mine had cost her losing her own.

I undid the buttons of my collard, rolled up the shirt' sleeves as I walked briskly. And as I reached the doors, I almost bumped into Donar Vadderung, who was a guest of course, and was arriving kinda early.

He looked me up and down, a smirk forming on his lips, his eyes knowing, and simply said "Take one of mine. They're by the car in front."

"A favor?" I asked, surprised. Was he offering me help?

"No, settling a score". He said.

"Why?" I pushed.

"I like you. But this time, it's not about you." He said, looking like he knew something I didn't, which was probably true.

I didn't really have a plan yet, and not knowing what to say, I just said "Alright... um... thanks."

I wasn't sure if I could take him up on his offer, and I didn't know what to make of the it. I just kept on walking. I had to leave.

I walked out the door and for a second I squinted at the sunlight.

As my vision adjusted to it, there, a few feet away, a very fancy black car was parked, two motorbikes parked one in front of it and one behind it.

One of guards looked up at me. She was leaning back casually against the bike at the front.

Aside from the blue jeans, everything else she was wearing was a creamy white color, the tee, the jacket, even the boots. She looked good in white. Her hair was longer than the last time I'd touched it, and was braided, styled like she wore it the night when I met her. Sunglasses rested atop her head.

And maybe I should have questioned it, but I didn't.

I was told it couldn't be. But there it was.

I couldn't stop staring at her either.

She smiled. And I knew.

Faith is an interesting thing.

I started walking towards her.

She exchanged a word with the other person that was there, and they walked away to the other bike.

She looked at me with bright blue eyes.

"Cold feet, huh?" She asked teasingly.

"Yeah..." I said. "I don't like people deciding stuff for me... Besides... You see, I'm still hung up on another lady. It wouldn't be right." I said and couldn't help the smirk forming.

She chewed on her lip for a second, trying not to smile too much.

She smirked and asked, "Need a ride then?"

"Actually, yeah" I answered. The eye contact prolonged dangerously.

She pulled the sunglasses down over her cute little nose and smiled.

"The boss said you might. He's good like that." She replied.

"Come on then" She said as she straddled the bike. No helmet.

I got on behind her. And I knew that I needed to make some questions and figure things out. But I looked back at the venue where my wedding was supposed to take place, I still had a few precious minutes before people would notice that they were missing a groom.

So I wrapped my arms around her waist and leaned over her, my lips next to her ear.

"Is it really you?" I asked.

Her figure felt just as I remembered, tiny against me, but strong, the scent of sunshine and strawberries of her hair, Her warmth.

The softness of her lips on mine as she turned her face and kissed me so tenderly, defied my doubts. I rested my forehead against hers after the kiss ended.

"Yes" I heard her whisper.

"How?" I asked, even though I was caring less and less each second that I felt her against me.

"It's a interesting story" She said. "It's involves gods, angels, favors... all those wacky things you usually like actually."

"Yeah, that sounds like my kind of story." I said, amused.

She chuckled.

"Tell me about it?" I asked, gently.

"Of course, ... Once we're clear. We should get going before they come and drag you back inside."

I shuddered thinking about that. Her hands squeezed mine as they rested on her stomach.

She turned to face forward again, started the bike, and asked. "Where to?"

I rested my cheek against her hair, I closed my eyes, I breathed her in. I felt the places she occupied before fill up again.

Karrin was there. I wasn't alone. She'd have my back.

"Home" I whispered.

I held on tight and we went.

The End

**Author's Note:**

> I started reading the Dresden Files around the time that either Small Favor or Turn Coat came out. I read all the other novels in order to catch up, and the short stories, I lived through the shock of Changes and Ghost Story's audiobook drama. And I've watched Murphy and Harry grow and become one of my favorite couples ever. I loved Murphy since day one.
> 
> At the risk of exposing too much, I have to say that 2020 brought me some mayor emotional drama IRL, and by the time Battle Ground came out, I was a wreck. I knew what was happening, someone spoiled it for me (in retrospect, it was kinda rude), but I read it still because I needed to know how it happened.
> 
> Interestingly, when reading that scene, I felt myself dying with her and the pain of that, and I felt his pain and his sorrow at loosing her. I felt them both. And to this day, I cry everytime I read that scene. And in some strange way, personally, it has help with healing. LOL, I digress, but I just wanted to comment on the importance of this book and the events.
> 
> And surprisingly, I'm not mad about it, and I'm not worried, at all. I know it's probably unpopular opinion, but I found it fitting, and the only way to prepare the scenario for what's next. I think things are moving, have been moving for Murphy for a while now in the background, behind the camera (Dresden doesn't see it so he can't tell us). So I don't think this is the last we're gonna see of her, something else is coming. She just needed a vacation for a while (Or I'm ass deep in denial, LOL). This is my truth and I'm dying on this hill!
> 
> And I have several ideas like this one, about her coming back, so maybe I'll keep the space open to post all those little scenarios that refuse to leave my head.
> 
> I also find that battleground and peace talk gave us some achingly beautiful moments between Harry and Murphy and what they do feel for each other, they're tiny but fierce in their intensity, imo ;)
> 
> Thanks for reading.


End file.
